Someone Tried To Kill Me On Route Taco

Someone Tried To Kill Me On Route Taco:  

A Glimpse Into the Invisible Wounds of War

Throughout my days, there have been countless events that have defined who I am. Very few, however, have changed me quite so radically as the first time someone tried to kill me. The details of my incident on Route Taco, a narrow alternate supply route just North of Baghdad, are simple and few. I'll expound, but the short answer is that someone attacked our convoy with a roadside bomb, my truck was hit and disabled, and our crew survived, relatively unscathed.  The fight was brief, only a few shots were fired, and one insurgent was killed. Within minutes of the attack, my truck was hooked up to a wrecker and pulled out of the Kill Sector. The explosion that lifted my truck off the ground, however, had a long lasting effect on me that I never could have imagined. 

We were bold and brash, Army Cavalry Scouts, best of the best, or so we told anyone that asked and many that didn't. For most of us in the Centurion Battalion scout platoon, this was our first time outside of our own country, and the most action we had seen as of yet was in a Halo game, and yet, there we were, cruising through the Baghdad slums locked, cocked, and ready to pop. We had been honed for this at Riley and Polk, drilled and drilled to deal with any scenario, until our action was smooth and flawless, living embodiments of the weapons we rested our thumbs on. We were the emissaries of Dubya, sent to fulfill America's destiny as Freer of Captive Nations. 

This was just our third trip outside the wire since arriving in Iraq and we had yet to see any real action. To be honest, I had begun to think that this was all an elaborate training exercise taking place in Juarez. It would certainly account for the slums and the brown people that, in my naive, xenophobic mind, could easily be mistaken for Mexicans from a distance. And really, hasn't the military spent taxpayer dollars on more frivolous things? The occasional “Bongo” truck out past curfew was all that we encountered, nothing serious, and no shots fired in anger. 

While driving, I remember thinking it strange that, out here in the desert where everything was so brown and dead, there should be a single green bush beside the road as we went barreling from Forward Operating Base Warhorse on Route Taco. Then someone took a picture and the flash lit up the night in a sickening sepia tone. Nothingness engulfed me. As my eyes tried with all their might to refocus, I felt a tug on my sleeve and heard the faintest call from somewhere so far away. I thought it was my wife telling me to wake up, she’d made breakfast.  As reality seeped back in, my wife faded away, back to the Kansas prairie, and my LT sounded a little bit clearer as he asked if I was up, if I was alive.  I instinctively pushed the accelerator to the floor, but the engine was unresponsive and my truck coasted to a stop.  The rest of the platoon circled around me to provide security while we assessed the situation.  We were all still alive, the truck commander, the gunner, a comms specialist that had hitched a ride with us, and myself. The bomber had missed his mark, and the only damage was to our Hummvee, Wolf 3. 

A fifth of Jim Beam a night. Sometimes more. That's what it took to make the nightmares manageable after I got back. Every time I closed my eyes there was the flashbulb pop and that roaring silence, a football player hit me from behind, and then the fear. Sure, there were other things I saw and did over there that gave me nightmares, but nothing matched the terror of my first time. Nothing ever compares. 

The guys laughed and joked, I had gotten my cherry popped. I had literally gone through the fire, and relatively unscathed. I was invincible. The reality was that I didn't sleep for a solid week after that night. The reality is that I still spend sleepless nights rehashing and reliving that run down Route Taco.

There on the road, still a little flash blind and punch drunk, I could smell the burnt accelerant as I scrambled in the dark to hook my crippled HMMWV to the wrecker.  My hands fumbled in the dark, shaking from adrenaline, to change the two rear tires that had been shredded by shrapnel so that the truck could be towed.  Shots popped off behind me.  I remember screaming at the top of my lungs to the gunner two trucks back, “Kill that motherfucker!”  There was no way for him to hear me over the din of engines and from my position, but I didn’t care. I hated the insurgent triggerman more than anyone had hated anyone prior and I wanted nothing less than to kill the bastard that had just tried to kill me. 

The audacity of a roadside bomb is incredible, simply because it is so impersonal. We didn't know each other, the bomber and me.  We had never met. I had never done anything personally to offend him.  And yet, he had seen fit to wire an artillery round to a cell phone and make an attempt at sending an infidel to whatever hell he believed I would go to. Was it anti-American ideology that guided him?  Some concept of revenge for being wronged by someone else?  I could only wonder. As I contemplated the explosion over the next few weeks, I think that the random nature of the act is what appalled me so much. I had known there would be fighting when I signed up. I knew there were bombings everyday in Iraq.  I had trained for this exact scenario countless times and I acted flawlessly in the midst of chaos. But it really wasn't the attack or my actions during the attack that surprised me. What really shocked me was my reaction to the bombing.

I didn't want to play soldier anymore. I realized that this person, this human being, that had tried to kill me had done the exact same sort of thing I would have done, had the roles been reversed and he had invaded my country. Those feelings made me do the unthinkable: I questioned our presence in Iraq. I questioned war altogether. I never rejected an order or refused to roll out on patrol, but it was all different here. I saw through the bullshit I had been spoon fed, the propaganda stopped working on me. I didn’t buy into the lies anymore about weapons of mass destruction and that we had liberated the Iraqis from an evil dictator. Instead, I saw that the war was less about freeing the oppressed Iraqi people than lining warmongers' pockets. 

When you're at war, the last thing that your leaders want to hear is that you don't believe in what you're supposed to be fighting for. I wasn't exactly quiet about my newfound revelation, but I didn't try to raise a stink about it, either. I knew that I was in the desert because I had volunteered to be there. No one forced me to join the army, and if I wanted to make it back I would have to shed blood and fight just like the rest of my brothers. Still, as something like this does, word got around that I was "less than pro-war" and my superiors were more than mildly annoyed with me.

Three weeks after the explosion, my platoon sergeant paced the floor of his makeshift office while I stood silently locked in parade rest. The fall of his boots and a squeaky floorboard were the only sound for several long minutes. My entire body burned from the smoking I had just received, but I struggled to make sure that I held perfect posture. My eyes darted to his desk and I stole a glimpse of my rifle, confiscated and lying next to a copy of emails containing anti-war statements that I had sent to my wife, intercepted and sent back to my highers. I wasn't a shitbird, I didn't deserve to be castrated like this. I may not have believed in the cause anymore, but I definitely believed in my team, my platoon. Emotions swirled violently inside, anger, shame, frustration, as he told another NCO to escort me to mental health. I spoke out of turn, pleading my case, to no avail. Later, I had to force back a smile when mental health ordered them to return my weapon because I wasn't a danger to myself or others. I wanted to smile not only because of the victory, but also because I found it ironic that less than 24 hours prior I had been sitting in the port-a-john with the barrel of a loaded and charged pistol under my chin, trying to muster the stomach to pull the trigger. 

It was a dark time for me, the darkest I have ever known. The blast from that explosion resonated throughout the rest of my deployment. It was in the background through every fire fight, every close call, every time I bore witness to the horrors of war. It shaped me and helped me become the killer I would need to be. It was the first step in losing the humanity that I would later fight so hard to regain.

My wife and kids can attest that the man they welcomed home was not the same person they had sent off to war. Almost instantly on my return, my life began to unravel. My marriage went to hell, my kids were terrified of me, and my work suffered immensely. I found it difficult to be in crowded spaces, and I still hate the 4th of July fireworks. I went to counselor after counselor, shrink after shrink. I ate handfuls of antipsychotics, antidepressants, and antianxiety drugs. I washed them down with bottles of booze. I self-medicated with pot, MDMA, psilocybin and LSD. I sought comfort in God, and did not find him. The prescription drugs left me like a zombie, the booze turned me into more of a monster than I already was, and the counselors provided little help, other than teaching me to monitor my breathing. Pot helped me to take my mind off of the mental anguish for a while and gave me a cheerier disposition, but it didn't resolve the issue, it was just a Band-Aid. I was lost. Strangely, I longed to be back in Iraq, where most of the decisions to be made were black and white. There was a bizarre simplicity to life in combat that I secretly wished for again. I felt like I didn’t belong in life at home anymore.

Nowadays, the nightmares aren't as frequent, but the echoes of that explosion still resonate through my day to day life. After 6 years, I'm getting better at living like a normal human being, but it has definitely been a process. The explosion left me partially deaf, and my doctor says it’s likely that the concussive force of the blast permanently rewired the way my brain works.  But the irrational fear of being blown up again is what troubles me the most. Sometimes just driving at night will make me sweat, start clenching the wheel as I grit my teeth and scan bridges and overpasses for imaginary bombs.  Other combat vets I talk to, if they are honest, share extremely similar stories.  The PTSD commercials I see on late night TV ring true; not every scar a veteran has is visible, and certainly, those are the scars that heal the slowest.  Someday, my scars may heal, but I've been forever changed because someone tried to kill me on Route Taco.

Colton Harris-Moore is not my hero.

So they finally caught the elusive "Barefoot Bandit".

I must say that I'm more than just a little impressed with this kid, being able to evade the authorities for so long, survive on his own in the wild, steal cars, boats, and even planes (which he taught himself to fly), and make it all the way from Camano Island to the Bahamas before finally being captured. I'm impressed because I didn't have that kind of ambition when I was 16. I was far more interested in smoking pot and trying to get laid than in leading cops on a cross-country manhunt. I certainly didn't have the balls to try and teach myself to fly a plane, let alone steal one. I think the biggest thing I stole when I was a teenager was a couple of CDs from Camelot Music.

As impressed as I am by his ambition and ability, I'm also saddened (I was going to say stunned, but really I'm not) by the outpouring of support for Colton Harris-Moore. He is no hero. This boy is simply a spoiled rich boy that mommy didn't show enough attention to. In no way does that give him the right to violate peoples' homes and steal (and ultimately destroy) their property.

Many people have stated that we've had outlaws as heroes for generations, and that's true. One of the oldest I can think of off the top of my head is Robin Hood, who stole from the rich and gave to the poor, so the legend goes. But would we hold Robin Hood in such high regard if he just stole from the rich and had a good time? That's just what Harris-Moore did, he had no altruistic intentions and no desire to help anyone but himself. And I just can't see calling someone a hero that only looks out for themselves. But then, people have made 'heroes' out of the bank robbers of the depression era, saying that they were robbing the corporations and not the individuals. The point remains, however, that their actions served themselves and no one else.

So is this the point that we've reached as society, that we can no longer find someone that is doing great things and we have to turn to those that excel at crime for our moral support? Colton Harris is far and away not the only deviant that we look to for leadership. Our elected officials have been doing the same thing for decades, only on a much grander scale.

Take, for instance, tobacco legislation. Tobacco kills more people in this country every year than homicide, suicide, vehicle accidents, alcohol, and all illicit drug use (both direct and indirect) COMBINED. Yet, our politicians continue to line their pockets with monetary gifts from the tobacco industry and deny the fact that it is the deadliest drug in the nation. In fact, they pursue an unwinnable war against marijuana, a plant that has time and again been proven in medical studies to have no dangers to users. But I digress; this is not a piece about marijuana legalization, but about our decline as a society.

Our religious leaders are just as corrupt. Day after day we hear of pastors and priests that commit both unspeakable crimes and crimes that they simply decry themselves. Religious zealots as a whole are hypocrites, liars, and thieves that are out only to garner funds for their churches and to deceive the weak minded. You see, if they can convince you that you will spend an eternity in bliss if you only endure the suffering in this life, and, oh yeah, buy your ticket with ten percent of your lifetime earnings, then they can control you. But again, I digress.

What I'm trying to say is that we've reached a point now that we either have to abandon these 'heroes' that are in fact common thieves and move forward as a society. Far be it from me to speak of morality, but until we as a race (the human race) leave behind the mentality that we have to 'get one over' on someone to be successful, we will never advance. There is a place, people, that we can reach. A point that is higher than this "civilization" that we have now. It's not through religion, it's not through laws and legislation, and it's not through worshiping those that break the most common laws of decency.

It's through unification.

End of rant.

Me and Johnny, V 1.0

This is a new song I've been working on. Be gentle in your criticisms, but do please criticize. I call it "Me and Johnny". Here's what I have so far:

Me and Johnny Walker stayed up talking late last night,

And we talked about the future, how it looks so bright.

I said I've never been one to put up much of a fight..

He reassured me, told me everything was gonna be alright.

And it was a Johnny Walker morning when I woke up today.

I just laid around and hung out until the middle of the day.

He told me everyone may leave but he's always here to stay,

And it doesn't matter much, cuz I've got no one anyways.

Yeah, me and Johnny Walker are the best of friends.

I know he'll be there right up to the bitter end.

Me and Johnny Walker walk up and down the streets.

We just smile at all the happy people that we meet.

They don't understand that it's sadness that makes life so sweet,

And you can't learn to love freedom while you still got shoes on your feet.

And Johnny Walker's right there with me on a bleary, rainy day.

I stare out my motel window and look out across the bay.

If you've never known love, then how can you know my pain?

I wish I could leave so badly, but I know that I'll just remain.

Yeah Me and Johnny Walker are the best of friends.

He swears that he'll be with me until the bitter end.

It seems like I'm always trying hard to outrun the sun.

I know I will never be satisfied until the day is done.

Yeah, I live for the night, when it's time to run,

But I can't go very far while I'm trapped under your thumb.

So I force a hard earned smile and decide to begin anew,

And sparkling diamonds on the sea make me think of you.

And Johnny tells me to get in my truck and drive straight through,

And I listen, and I do it, and by tonight I'll be home with you.

They've Got Character: Ten Actors Whose Names You Don't Know, But Should.

"Who's that guy? I know I've seen him before, but I don't know what he was in." "Oh, he's that guy that was in that movie." "What's his name?"

How many times have you said these words or something similar? It seems that every good movie or TV show has a person in it that you never remember until you see him in that moment, then you remember, "Oh yeah, he was on an episode of Knight Rider, the one where KITT was melted with acid".

Who are these unsung heroes that help our other (bigger just isn't the right word) stars shine so

well? They are members of a select guild: the character actors. Seldom do they receive praise.

Even more seldom does anyone remember their name. Here's a short list of "That Guy"s and some of their achievements that will hopefully help them stick out a little more in your mind.

1. Dan Hedaya

You've loved him, you've hated him. He's played cops, criminals, scumbags, a space captain, and even the president in the film "Nixon" (maybe those are the same thing). But he is probably best known for his role as Nick Tortelli, Carla's sleaze-bag ex-husband on "Cheers". Maybe everyone knows your name there, Dan, but most don't know it in the real world.

2. Will Patton

He's been in numerous TV shows, including "C.S.I.", "24", "Numb3rs", and "The Agency" (seems he has a penchant for playing someone in law enforcement) and movies out the wazoo, such as "Gone In 60 Seconds", "Silkwood", "The Fourth Kind", and "Armageddon". Most Recently, you'll probably recognize him from "Brooklyn's Finest", starring opposite Don Cheadle.

3. Giovanni Ribisi

The brother-in-law of singer, Beck, his early work included roles on TV's "The Wonder Years" and "Highway To Heaven", as well as appearing on the family game show "I'm Telling". He (and the rest of the cast) won a SAG award for his part in "Saving Private Ryan", which also landed him on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine.

4. Curtis Armstrong

Most people will always remember Curtis Armstrong for his role as 'Booger', the lovable slob in "Revenge Of The Nerds" and the subsequent sequels. He also played alongside John Cusack in "Better Off Dead" way back in 1985. He's had numerous V.O. roles, including a steady role (33 episodes worth until he was replaced) on Fox's "American Dad" as 'Snot' (a mucous trend?), Steve Smith's friend.

5. Saul Rubinek

Saul has had numerous bit parts, TV appearances, and roles in independent films. Most notably, perhaps, are his roles in "True Romance" and "Jerry and Tom", the latter scoring him the coveted Grand Jury Prize at the Sundance Film Festival. Currently he plays Artie Nelson on "Warehouse 13". He was born in a refugee camp in Germany, shortly after the end of WWII.

6. Matt Frewer

What '80s child can forget Max Headroom? Frewer has landed role after role since then, and in my opinion none were greater than his roles in the SyFy Channel's miniseries "Taken" (Dr. Chet Wakeman) and "Alice" (The White Knight). He even played a man bitten by a zombie in the 2004 remake of "Dawn of the Dead". He's also done a lot of V.O. work for the Disney channel, mainly as 'Panic' in the "Hercules" franchise.

7. Danny Trejo

Who do you cast when you need a tough, tattooed, Mexican, criminal? Danny Trejo, that's who. Contrary to his appearance, Trejo is actually a very nice guy. It wasn't always that way, though. He's done time in several maximum security prisons and is a recovering cocaine addict. That all changed when he landed a role in 1985's "Runaway Train", and the rest is B-film history.

8. Mickey Jones

"That would be me," his famous catch phrase from his appearances on "Home Improvement", is etched in my mind every time I see Mickey Jones. However, most people don't know that this player once played a very different role. He was the drummer for Bob Dylan during the controversial 1966 tour that angered so many of Dylan's fans, especially in England, where they were met with boos and cries to get off the stage.

9. Vincent Schiavelli

Most people would remember Vincent as The Subway Ghost in "Ghost", and how badly he wanted 'just one drag' from a cigarette. In addition to playing many roles, he also authored three cookbooks and myriad of newspaper and magazine articles. Sadly, he succumbed to lung cancer at the early age of 57. He owed his looks to another disease, Marfan Syndrome, the same disorder that also plagued musician Joey Ramone.

10. Mike Starr

Often typecast as a mobster or detective, Starr has had 164 roles to date since his first screen credit on Hawaii Five-O in 1978. He had a small role in "Goodfellas" as the airport security guard that aided Deniro and the boys in their multi-million dollar Lufthansa heist. He's also played on TV shows such as "Law and Order: Criminal Intent", "Newsradio", and "Ed", as well as the role of the thrwarted hitman in "Dumb and Dumber".

By no means is this list meant to be considered a compendium of character actors or even a 'best of' list. Simply, it is meant to inspire you, the reader, to find out who the hell "that guy" is when you see him and appreciate the work that the supporting actor lends to the screen. I know there's some of you that are saying: "What about all the unsung actresses? What are you, some kind of cinema chauvinist?" Not at all. I appreciate all the hard work that the female of the character actor species has contributed as well. But that is a tale for another time.

Under The Influence: The Top Ten Most Influential Albums of the Last Thirty Years

I'm of the opinion that everything in life should be set to music. It is often said that music eases the soul, soothes the savage beast, and whatnot. I think that a lot of people say that they love music, but it never fails that most of them seem to fall way short of a nonexistent standard that I believe in. Not to sound like some kind of musical aristocrat, but this writer truly is an audiophile.

Allow me to digress for just a moment. I was watching a mainstream music television station (you know who you are) with my daughter tonight. A band that she follows fairly closely performed live for some beach party crap. She was in awe that they didn't sound anything like what they sounded like on their album. I tried to explain that they aren't real musicians; they are pretty faces, put on stage by studio execs, singing someone else's songs, and whose voices are completely modified by studio technicians. This led to a rant about bubble gum pop and how it hasn't changed much since the days of the Monkees, which led to further rants about how few people realize which bands and which albums actually influenced the music people listen to today. Then I was inspired.

It is in this spirit that I have decided there should be some kind of list that people should gauge all music by, some sort of guidance so that future generations, and this generation, for that matter, don't swallow everything that studio bands put out without at least questioning why they're on the top 40.

Mind you that this list is compiled of albums I believe to be the most influential to music as a whole, not individuals, and it's not a list of my favorite albums. And in honor of my wife's upcoming 2nd anniversary of her 29th birthday, I have decided to go back three decades.

So, without further ado, I hereby present to you the ten albums I believe have influenced music in the last 30 years.


10. Nine Inch Nails/Pretty Hate Machine (1989)

Released in 1989, and re-released in 2005 after struggles with the original publishing label, "Pretty Hate Machine" has influenced several genres of music including goth-rock, industrial, techno, and grunge. "Head like a hole" became an anthem for angst-ridden teenagers everywhere, and, in a close tie with "Closer", is the most recognizable Nine Inch Nails single to be released to date. Trent Reznor has fought for musicians' rights and the rights of his listeners, and his new album series "Ghosts" has been made available for free download on the internet, a slap in the face to bands like Metallica that have lobbied to tear down internet download sites like Napster, Limewire, and a myriad of bit torrent clients.


9. Metallica/Self-titled (aka "The Black Album") 1991

Despite the fact that I am NOT a Metallica fan, I must admit the influence this self-titled album held, if only to broaden their listener base. It's the 25th highest selling album in the United States, selling well over 15 million copies (hmmm…I wonder how many copies have been downloaded illegally?). When they went mainstream, Metallica cleaned up their act by getting haircuts and going clean and sober. Personally, I think they made better music when they were drunk, but that's just me.


8. Grateful Dead/In The Dark (1987)

Featuring the single "Touch of gray", the Grateful Dead made a resurgence in the late 80's, inspiring many to get back to the folk sounds of earlier rock and roll with their 12th studio album. The breakthrough video for "Touch of gray", featuring the band transforming from skeletal marionettes to their living selves, garnered much airplay on MTV, and it soared to a top ten hit on the Billboard charts, the highest ever for the band. Countless 'new hippies' were spawned by this album when a whole new generation was exposed to their music, adding to the great legacy frontman and guitarist, Jerry Garcia, left behind.

7. Guns 'N Roses/Appetite For Destruction (1987)

The first studio album (everyone knows of the 'bootleg' EP of "Live ?!*@ Like a Suicide") for Guns N' Roses, they managed to create a sound combining heavy metal, rock, punk, and blues, a recipe that is still being used today and can be seen in bands like Offspring, Rage Against The Machine, and, of course, Velvet Revolver.


6. They Might Be Giants/Flood (1989)

Their third studio album, and their first with Elektra (their first major label), They Might Be Giants transformed the future of experimental and alternative music. Using seldom-heard instruments, like the accordion and the glockenspiel, the two Johns of TMBG put out an album that could reach everyone. With more upbeat rhythm and semi-silly lyrics, most people credit their first Giants experience with the two music videos from Tiny Toon Adventures. Forging forward with a sound that had never been heard before by most people, They Might Be Giants experienced a number 3 hit with "Birdhouse in your soul."


5. Dr. Dre/The Chronic (1992)

Dr Dre's first solo project after he left N.W.A, "The Chronic" was many people's first taste of so-called 'gangster rap'. In fact, most people that previously refused to buy rap albums ran out and snatched up copies of the single "Nuttin' but a G thang". Co-starring on the album was a young, up and coming rapper by the name of Snoop Doggy Dogg. The Chronic opened the door for more and more (often copycat) gangster rappers to release their albums into the mainstream media.


3. It's a tie!
Sex Pistols/Nevermind the Bollocks…Here's the Sex Pistols! (1977)
&

Ramones/Road To Ruin (1978)

Okay, yes, I did say the last 30 years, but it's my list so I'm entitled to a little creative license. "Nevermind the Bollocks…Here's the Sex Pistols!", featuring the well known single "Anarchy in the UK", did, in fact, come out one year outside of my 30 year window, but I would be remiss if I didn't include one of the most influential punk albums of all time. Furthermore, I decided to forego the ever-present argument about who started punk, Sex Pistols or The Ramones, by letting them tie. "Road To Ruin" was the fourth album by The Ramones, but it contained the single "I wanna be sedated", which has become the band's (arguably) most popular song. The album also displayed the heavy influence 1960's surf music played on the band. Now, did punk start in England with Sex Pistols, or did it start in New York with The Ramones? Just like the eternal Tootsie Roll Pop question, the world may never know. Who cares, though? We've been blessed by some of the most influential music of all time, not just this or a past generation.


2. Beastie Boys/Licensed To Ill (1986)

In the mid-80's, three Jewish punk rockers from New York decided to change up their style and name. Boys Entering Anarchistic States Towards Internal Excellence (or 'Beastie Boys', for short) released an album with Def Jam entitled "Licensed To Ill". The first rap album to make it onto Billboard's Pop Albums chart, it also made number 2 on their Hip Hop/R&B Albums chart. Not only that, but white rappers were unheard of at the time. Vanilla Ice and Eminem, you can thank the Beastie Boys.

And finally…(drum roll, please)

1. Nirvana/Nevermind (1991)

All modern rock artists owe a special homage to what is quite possibly the most influential album to be released since the 1960's. Though grunge music had been around before its advent, and even though it wasn't Nirvana's first album (Bleach was the first, just in case you didn't know), "Nevermind" revolutionized music in the early Nineties. Overnight almost, we went from wearing tight jeans and idolizing bands like Poison, Warrant, and Motley Crue to wearing flannel and hearing the sounds of bands like Mudhoney, Pearl Jam, and Cracker. The album has gone platinum ten times over and remains a popular seller even today, more than 15 years after its release.


So there you have it, the official "Top Ten Most Influential Albums of the Last 30 Years" list. Well, to be honest, I'm not sure how official it is, but this is the way I see it.